The fear.

Any excuse to start with this.

Originally this was a post that I had intended to write about the fear in mountain biking and how actually a little bit of fear is a good thing.

Well I have work do to in preparing year 11's for exams so seems like the best time to write it is now...

The point was going to be that yes, there are times when crippling fear is counter productive.

Where freezing when skipping over roots and slamming on the brakes, which may seem a logical thing to do, actually is really a bad move. A really bad move, like telling your partner what you really think of that outfit is a bad move! Suddenly all grip goes and you slide and skid your way down something slowly and struggle to find purchase when you inevitably have to put your feet down.

Likewise approaching a drop that when you get to the edge of it seems much more of a void than you originally believed and 'oh no' you scrub all speed and topple like a drunken baby lamb over the drop and just about cling to the bike as it bounces front end first on the floor of the trail.

Again in both of these examples you think that grabbing the brakes are the right thing to do, sometimes it is, however in most cases this safety blanket is actually more dangerous than just going for it.

In the case of roots a lack of rotating tyre actually removes the grip that you should have meaning you are no longer sticking and drops are easier if you hit them at speed and try to land both wheels together on the other side. Which I know in theory but am still yet to master instead resorting to go go gadget arms to get me out of trouble way more than I should - really bad form.

However there are plenty of occasions where the fear is a good thing.

It is the fear that means when you come to a berm you slow down in plenty of time in order to take the corner safely. It is the fear that means that you don't push beyond what you know you can do and stay rubber side down. Which as anyone who has ever done a huge bin will tell you is always preferable to picking your self and your bike out of a bush after flying off the trail. In most cases a lot of crashes are because either a) you lost concentration or b) you pushed beyond your means and came a cropper.

So in mountain biking a balance between the fear and fearlessness is really important. It helps keep us safe but also allows for those beautiful neuro-chemicals to be released (dopamine, endorphins and adrenaline) so that we have that natural high at the end of a ride -a little bit of fear goes a long way in enjoyment.

However that article never really got written, which I guess it has now, but never mind! Instead the fear is now related to my triathlon training.

Fear for me in this sport takes the following forms;

1. The open water swim and being able to cover the distance and not flounder and sink.
2. The open water swim and looking down at the deep, dark, murky depths.
3. Bricking my legs after the ride.
4. Blowing up on the final run and vomiting all over the world before crying and collapsing in a heap.

This fear is real people, and it is terrifying. 

I no longer think of the fear as being some safety net, instead it is pure boiled crippling, pit of the stomach I can't do this, cold sweat fear. 

The kind of fear you had on your driving test, or on a first date when you know you are punching way above your league. 

Which means that as someone who is training to constantly improve times and actually try and be half decent well the fear is something I have to overcome. Unlike my fear of heights which is totally rational and keeps me nice and safe at all times!

However if life and movies have taught me anything (not sure they really have though) it is that fear can be reduced (though never defeated) with training and exposure. So as a result the following has been part of my training.

1. The open water swim and being able to cover the distance and not flounder and sink. Swim as often as possible, I have done a splash and dash covering 750m swim and 5k run as an event. I try and swim at least 750m in ever session and know that I can swim much further in open water when defaulting down to breaststroke. This has built my confidence in the open water swim and I now feel much more comfortable when swimming.
2. The open water swim and looking down at the deep, dark, murky depths. Again there is nothing like getting in the water for this. I had a lesson on my breathing technique which made the swim much more comfortable, however an upshot of this (and getting breathing on both sides) is that I HAVE to look down. In churned up water (like on a race day) this is not so bad because I can focus on my rhythm and breathing. However on a clear watered training day. Still a little bit terrifying. 
3. Bricking my legs after the ride. Up early in the morning, quick blast on the bike to get the legs moving (40 minutes at least) followed by a run straight after racking the bike. While this may not prepare my legs for the bricking that could happen following a longer bike ride it at least is getting my body used to the differing groups being used in quick succession. I still need to practice going for a longer ride before a longer run. 
4. Blowing up on the final run and vomiting all over the world before crying and collapsing in a heap. Early morning runs before breakfast (fasted runs). Luckily I have a park near my flat with a 400m running track. Slowly I have started to extend the run and am now able to shabbily amble a nice 5k in the mornings - takes about 35 minutes. This is I feel pretty handy training to avoid this and also a good way to get up and going in the morning (as much as 5 am starts seems a bit shite).

So there goes the fear? Well, no not quite, see the fear is something that has to exist in sport. Where mountain biking, triathlon or darts (yes a sport - game of physical skill).

There has to be a fear of failure, there has to be a fear for your safety and a fear of embarrassment, probably other forms of fear which I am too scared to mention.

Otherwise why do it? The enjoyment factor is not enough, because without fear the enjoyment is diminished. There is is nothing to overcome. So while it is a good thing to reduce the fear so that it does not dominate you or reduce your capacity to perform and compete there also has to be some remaining, nagging fear to keep you moving forward. And safe. See while confidence in your abilities is a really good way of staying safe as well I believe (and people may disagree with me) that confidence and fear have to be balanced. Yes if you are confident you will just go out there and do it, and in most cases that is probably enough. However in sports like mountain biking and open water swimming there has to be a caution to your activity. That comes from fear. 

Long live the fear? maybe, mostly though I guess is an acceptance that the fear serves a purpose. A re-imagining of fear as not being negative. Fear can be positive. 

If we start thinking of fear as being something positive, an odd concept I know but one that is not beyond the truly insane levels of imagination we possesses, then surely we can begin to use it more constructively in our preparation and training. 

So yeah, lets make a little fear a good thing, a driving force for improvement and keeping us happy and safe in our activities. 

Which I guess I said right at the beginning...

Oh.

The Two Types of Tired.

I have become convinced in recent weeks that there are two types of being tired.

There is no detailed  evidence or research for this, nor have I done any background reading to support my claims. The closest I have to empirical information for this is my own feelings based upon two time frames.

Firstly the long drawn out winter months of marking tests, coursework and books. That draining work based tired that is more tiredness of the soul. Any student who has completed a caffeine sponsored dissertation or essay before getting up the next day for lectures and submission knows this feeling. It is the tiredness born out of work. That is to say a tiredness forced upon you because you had to get something done for someone else.

This is guess is one of the main gripes people have about work/life balances. You work hard for someone else, you get tired for someone else and you make sacrifices for someone else and in the most cynical of statements the then ask you to repeat this process ad infinitum. This is the tiredness that you can't shake. Like stale cigarette smoke on your clothes from days before the smoking ban, even when you wash you still feel it - that morning shower doesn't truly shake it. It''s also true to say that the rest of your life can be seen through the fog of this tired. Food becomes an escape something to comfort eat to make you feel happier and activities get reduced down to sitting in front of TV to 'unwind'. Occasional forays into midweek entertainment (gigs, cinema, meals out etc) seem to elevate the burden of the work tired but you know, somewhere in the recesses of you mind that work looms.

This all sounds thoroughly gloomy and downbeat but as a teacher my colleagues and I know this well. The week before a school holiday morning conversations are very similar 'morning, I am so tired today! Still one week to go.' Or words to this effect. Perversely one week into the new term and conversations run along the lines of 'I am so tired already, feel like I never had a holiday'.

Try spotting this now you know of it, I guarantee the amount of times people talk about being tired will surprise you. This by the way is called the Baader-Meinhof phenomena - once we are aware of something we spot it more often because our minds are alerted to it.  

So, the work based feeling of being exhausted and mentally drained is pretty horrific and common.

However there is a second, deeper level of tiredness. The tiredness of exercise.

I have felt this before during my ultra marathon training but having been cycling and not running for nearly two years I think my mind buried these feelings deep and hidden somewhere. This however has all changed in the last few weeks.

This actually begins at Christmas and a 'gift' of a triathlon entry. So far so good, a thank you for the gift and a move on to other cycling adventures. However for some reason over the last month it started to dawn on me that training for this might actually have to happen. This was crystallised by a painful duathlon experience. The 3 mile run was slow and plodding but not too painful, the 15 mile ride again was fine (although I miss counted by two laps), All of which means my training has significantly increased in the past few weeks.

It was a case of very little exercise all week and probably a ride on a Friday night, maybe a ride or run at some point over the weekend.

This was a huge change from commuting in on the bike 3/4 times a week and a long weekend ride either off road or on over the weekend. At first I hadn't physically felt much my fitness or physique slipping away. However very quickly (once training again) I have noticed how far away from where I felt I was that I am.

That is to say I have gotten a bit fat and wheezy.

So first thing to go was booze. Not for any major training reason but the extra calories in my beloved pale ales and porters where just something I could do without. I also switched my meals around a bit focusing on energy shakes in the morning and recovery shakes after exercise - all made with fresh ingredients and no powders etc. The final change was one really that was more for the benefit of my girlfriend and so dairy and gluten have been slashed from the diet. This has been replaced with way more vegetables and protein rich foods.

The other significant change has been in my sleeping habits. For a long time I would wake up at 4:30 and roll over and sleep again until my alarm went off at 6 and then drag myself out of bed to get ready for work any time between 6 am and 6:30 and aim to be on the road by 7. However one issue with upping a training regime is fitting in training around 'real' life. Often work has to be done at home and my evenings are already pretty busy as it is - and this is without having any children or animals demanding extra time of me. There is a lot of my job that I ignore or try to get done during 'office hours' but there is always some overspill, meaning a training plan in the evenings is not something I can 100% commit to.

This has meant getting up at 5am to go for a run or a ride/run combo at least 3 times a week in order to get some exercise in. On the most part the early starts have been exciting and fun and starting the day with exercise is a very satisfying way to go about things. None of these early morning sessions are of an extreme intensity and none last longer than 50 minutes. However they are noticeable in that I am already starting to feel much fitter and my /km times are starting to drop.

In addition to this I have been swimming more and more regularly. Going from 1 session a week to 3 swims and a pretty busy race calendar coming up, not only in order to practice and get used to the water but also to keep the motivation going for when I start feeling the strain of doing extra.

To avoid burnout I have aimed to progressively increase distance and intensity of sessions so that I am pushing to 75-80% each time (a HR monitor watch has been invaluable for this) and then be able to go back out the next day. I have also factored in rest days to allow my body to recover and rebuild from the previous few days exertions and catch up on work/life that has been moved slightly while I train.

However.

I still feel bloody tired all the time.

Yet this is a different tiredness. OK so it is still exhaustion and a feeling of being ruined, but it is not so much a mental weariness. It is firmly in my arms and legs and general body. It is a feeling of pushing yourself and trying to find the next place to go to keep on moving.

And it feels good.

Obviously the body chemistry inside me is going mental, endorphins and dopamine are being produced continually and hurling themselves around, I can't wait to get back into the water and swim again because it scares the hell out of me and has a huge danger element to it. I can't wait to get back out running because afterwards when you finish a session and your lungs are burning and your feet are sore, well you feel like a hero. A euphoric high if you will.

As always any excuse to get out on the bike is easy to take - cycling is the greatest.

So this is the point (as ever, if there is one) the first type of tiredness comes from work and mental fatigue and is hard to shake because it makes your life feel like it is on rails. A mind numbing procession from from Monday to Friday only stopping to eat some food, watch some TV and climb in and out of bed.

The second is far more exciting, that is to organise your time differently and really go for something, lock-stock, and make yourself tired for you. For doing the things your enjoy and roll with that feeling of tiredness because you know that the reason for being so ruined is worth it, that you can't wait to get to that stage again because it makes you feel in control, free, alive.

In the battle of the two types of tired I know which side I would pitch my tent. Only you won't find me in it, I will be out on my bike (any excuse!).